IBIRU — By a unanimous vote, the multidimensional alien beings responsible for creating what we know as “reality” formally resolved Monday that they will begin the process of shutting down the immersive simulation that contains the entire observable universe, citing concerns with buggy code.
Though the concept of Monday is itself a construct that doesn’t exist outside the simulation, sources close to our alien overlords said that is when the decision, which was made in a realm outside time and space, could most closely be approximated to have taken place.
The simulation has been plagued with errors throughout its history, from the duck-billed platypus to deep-dish pizza to Eric Trump, sparking near-constant debate among our mysterious creators, but the events of what we refer to as the year 2020 apparently pushed these previously silent observers to the breaking point.
“We have tolerated your excesses, stupidity and cruelty for millennia,” the overlords said in a statement. “In fact, these were not bugs, but rather features that we built in for our own amusement. Even after multiple extinction events, numerous genocides, and 10 seasons of Friends, we thought that it was worthwhile to continue the simulation. But frankly, this year, it’s just gotten to be too much.”
The creators and soon-to-be destroyers of our universe encouraged citizens who wish to provide any comments on the coming shutdown to scream their complaints toward the heavens, where they will be duly logged and disregarded.
[Photo by Akshay Nanavati on Unsplash]
