HILADELPHIA — Pushed out of the news cycle for the first time in months, the COVID-19 virus reportedly spent the final weekend of May "just chilling and spreading out," content to hang around in the air surrounding police, protesters, and emergency personnel.
"It's great to see this country getting back to the business of breathing me all over each other," said the submicroscopic agent of infection. "It's been hard to watch them flatten the curve at my expense, but my comeback begins now."
Even while bemoaning its lost place in the news cycle, the pandemic was able to see the bright side of the situation.
"I had a few weeks there after coming to America where no one was paying attention to me, but it's been all 'COVID this, COVID that' pretty much since early March," the deadly virus explained. "So at first, it was almost shocking when I'd float by TVs and see them talking about someone else on the news. But when I saw that it made all these people go out in public shouting at the top of their lungs and touching things without washing their hands, I knew things were going my way again."
COVID-19 added that, particularly after hitting African-American communities so hard, it was surprised to see people it hadn't yet infected start saying they couldn't breathe.
"Stopping people from breathing is pretty much all I know how to do, and I'm still going to be doing it long after these protests are over," said the killer pathogen. "Now that I know I'm not alone, I think my natural next step is to join the police force."
[Photo by Randy Colas on Unsplash]
